Name: Lynn
Hazelton
E-mail: kanalog@netscape.net
Age: 20
Location: Tennessee
Favorite Al-bum: Straight
Outta Lynwood, no doubt
Favorite Song: I'm
not sure
Favorite Polka: "Polka
Patterns"
Favorite Parody: Right
now, I can't say I have one.
Favorite Original:
I'll pick the ones from the albums I have: "Albuquerque"
"Hardware Store" "Why Does This Always Happen
to Me?" "I'll Sue Ya!" "Pancreas"
Favorite Unreleased Song:
"Laundry Day"
Favorite Music Video:
"It's All About the Pentiums"
Favorite Band Member:
I like all of them, they're all great. (yes, there ARE others
besides Al)
Favorite Weird Al quote:
I have several
"Shut up, you little weasel!"
"Touch my poodle. TOUCH MY POODLE!...You touched my poodle.
Thank you for touching my poodle"
"It's time for my favorite part of the show. That's right,
the part where we stare at the sun until we go blind! Wait for
it......keep staring......any minute now.......ah, OH MY EYES!
MY EYES! OH THE PAIN! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
"For the record, exactly how much do you suck?"
"Look up, look down, now look at Mr. Frying Pan....Uh oh,
Bobbo fall down go boom."
"How about I just strap you naked to a chair and cover
you with cheese....yeah, cheese...you want it all over you?
Yeah, I bet you do. I bet you want the CHEESE!"
Who would you like to hear cover
an Al song?: I'd like to do it
Which song would you like them
to cover?: "I'll Sue Ya!".
What song would you like to see
a video for that doesn't have one?: "Hardware
Store"
How did you first hear about Al?:
To tell you the truth, I have no idea.
What's the story behind that?:
I heard of him and then forgot how that happened.
Have you been to an Al concert?:
Not yet
Have you ever met Al?:
No, but I will, you just watch...
Have you ever met any of the band?:
Not yet
If so, who?: Hopefully
all of them
Have you ever tried a Twinkie
Weiner Sandwich?: I have yet to partake of such an
item.
Do you collect Al items?:
Sure, I have three albums
Anything else we should know about
you?: Let's see...I listen to Weird Al (how about
that), I make parodies. No one I know of has read the lyrics
to my parodies and NOT been impressed. Being visually impaired,
I for a short time took offense to the line "You're just
about as useles as JPEGs to Helen Keller". I kept saying
to myself, "It's all right, he's just kidding. Come on,
he's not that mean." I like the new look of this place.
Very nice, very nice indeed.
Have you made a Parody?:
You are reading the page of a parody master, my friend
"Butcher Shop"
Parody of "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent
/ New lyrics by Lynn Hazelton
I'll take you to the butcher shop
I'll let you take the first pork chop
Now I gotta get a mop
To clean up all this crap you dropped
I'll take you to the butcher
shop
Check out all the steaks I've got
Prime ribs, yeah, I've got a lot
Come get it now before it rots
I can make it any way, any way
you want it
I can put on the sauce, how much do you want on it
Temperature's rising in the oven, now what to do
This place is packed, how may I serve you
I'm taking down the banners, you know I'm here
The fact this place rocks is perfectly clear
In line, outside, they just can't wait
To try all this stuff -- man, business is great
Got this big, hard mallet to
make the meat tender
Maybe take a little bit and put it in the blender
Gonna show you how I made this nice, little meatball
If you knew what it was made of, it would make your flesh
crawl
I'm a master with the knife, I make all the best cuts
Oh, you'll freak when you learn this came from horse butts
This isn't hard to get, just watch yourself
You have no idea what I've put on that shelf
I'll take you to the butcher
shop
I'll let you take the first pork chop
Now I gotta get a mop
To clean up all this crap you dropped
I'll take you to the butcher shop
Check out all the steaks I've got
Prime ribs, yeah, I've got a lot
Come get it now before it rots
Yeah, what I do (what I do)
And where it goes (where it goes)
Unknown to you (unknown to you)
Better change your clothes (change your clothes)
I'll cook it for you, nice and
slow
Take a seat, wait right there, watch this baby go
Oh, you've never seen a ham like this before
Picked it up after a week on the floor
As soon as I arrive they all go nuts
For these chicken legs, cow tongues and pig guts
Oh man, today the FDA came into my place
They said, Oh my God this is a disgrace!"
How was I to know I violated ten codes
There's nothing wrong with meat I scraped off the road
So delicious, the very best of road kill
I won't do that again, or maybe I will
As long as they don't know, I'll still prevail
Till the cops come over and take me to jail
This place, a disgrace? No way, it's the best in town
Then I go to work one day, somebody shut it down
I'll take you to the butcher
shop
I'll let you take the first pork chop
Now I gotta get a mop
To clean up all this crap you dropped
I'll take you to the butcher
shop
Check out all the steaks I've got
Prime ribs, yeah, I've got a lot
Come get it now before it rots
"Dirty Dishes"
Parody of "Fergalicious" by Fergie
/ New lyrics by Lynn Hazelton
Listen up, y'all 'cause this is it
The food that you're eating is delicious
Dirty dishes definition make you prefer starving
They'd rather eat old sauerkraut than spend a weekend barfing
You can see it (but don't eat it)
Shouldn't feed it (you don't need it)
There's a reason (how to tease 'em)
Just run out the front door screaming
Dirty dishes (not delicious)
I ain't promiscuous
And if it looks suspicious
It's going to the fishes
Fergie wishes
This food is like a rock, rock
And they be running down the block to get away from that spot
It's so delicious, it's really hot
It ain't nuitritious
This nasty junk is all they've got
So suspicious
Want me to eat it, I think not
On dirty dishes
Dirty dishes definition make you want to vomit
They always claim it's healthy but there's so much fungus on
it
I say F to the U-N-G the U the S
And can't no other kitchen have such a big mess
Those dirty dishes (real suspicious)
The odor stays vicious
You should go to the doctor
And check up on your fitness
I'm your witness
The food's hard as a rock, rock
And we be running down the block far away from that spot
It's so delicious, it's really hot
It ain't nuitritious
This nasty junk is all they've got
So suspicious
Want me to eat it, I think not
On dirty dishes
Listen here!
Let me tell you right now
You don't want this dead cow
If you eat that stuff now
You'll be farting like, wow
You can take it from me
Better go on hungry
You sure don't want any
I tell you
F to the U to the N-G-U-S too much fungus.
F to the U to the N-G-U-S too much fungus.
H to the E to the A-R-T-B-U-R-N
To the H To the E to the
I think you get it
Everywhere I turn around, greens are turning brown
Looking like some stuff I found in a pile of whoa
I just want to say it now, I'm not trying to scare you off
You just don't want to eat anywhere near thisi place at all
And I know you're all thinking that I'm full of bologna
But not the kind from here, that's right, you gotta know me
But there are things that'll send you to the ER
But they'll say it's delicious (so delicious)
I ain't promiscuous
And if it looks suspicious
It's going to the fishes
Fergie wishes
This food is like a rock, rock
And they be running down the block to get away from that spot
I count backwards
The odor stays vicious
You should go to the doctor
And check up on your fitness
I'm your witness
Food's hard as a rock, rock
And we be running down the block far away from that spot
It's so delicious, it's really hot
It ain't nuitritious
This nasty junk is all they've got
So suspicious
Want me to eat it, I think not
On dirty dishes
F to the U to the N-G-U-S too much fungus.
F to the U to the N-G-U-S too much fungus.
F to the U to the N-G-U-S too much fungus.
F to the U to the N-G-U-S too much fungus.
Still count backward
H to the E to the A-R-T-B-U-R-N to the
H to the E to the A-R-T-B-U-R-N to the
H to the E to the A-R-T-B-U-R-N to the
H to the E to the A-R-T-B-U-R-N to the
"A Cancer's Driving Test"
Parody of "Truck Drivin' Song"
by "Weird Al" Yankovic / New lyrics by Lynn Hazelton
I'm takin' a test
Takin' a driver's test
Trying to convince them that I'm trying to do my best
Driving like a madman or like some kinda freak
Takin' this test every day this week
They say us Crabs aren't all that great
While we're out on the interstate
But I don't care about a thing they say
I'm going to show them how we ride
Now that the mud is somewhat dried
I'm going to pass this lousy test today
Oh, I like to look at all the wreckage in my rear view mirror
And my driving teacher's face is turning white
I'd like to look at all the crud
It's hard to see it through the mud
I'll tell you what, today I'll get it right
'Cause I'll be takin' a test
Takin' a driver's test
Showing everyone that I drive worse than all the rest
Maybe I should just pull over and clean my muddy face
But I'm takin' a test and that's just a waste
Oh, I wish that I could get this roll of duct tape up my nose
And pedestrians are running everywhere
You'd think that I know how to drive
But people tend to lose their lives
When I try to shove that duct tape way up there
But I'm still takin' this test
Takin' this driver's test
Driving so much worse than all the planets could have guessed
Thinking I'm a nutcase for doing this at all
While I'm takin' this test with no brakes installed
I'm takin' a test
Takin' a test
Gotta pass this thing so I can finally leave the nest
And my teacher starts to screaming when I step on the gas
"You should stop takin' this test, 'cause you just can't
pass!"
"Why Do You Always Do This To Me?"
Parody of "Why Does This Always
Happen To Me?" by "Weird Al" Yankovic / New lyrics
by Lynn Hazelton
I was fixing my TV one night when they broke
in and they wanted my stuff
Or else some devastating thing they'd do to me
I had thirty thousand stashed away and they said to get it right
then
Or I should get ready for a tragedy
And I said, "Guys, please answer me one question.
Why'd you make the trouble if you just want me to die?"
Go ahead, I'm not afraid of you or anything
Cause I know what to do for this problem, a good shot just above
the thigh
Why do you always do this?
Why do you always do this to me?
Why do you always do this?
Why do you always do this to me?
I was walking down the sidewalk
when I saw people gather around
There was a tree-car pile-up, everyone alive
And I saw leaves and sticks and broken windows shattered everywhere
And judging by the tree, I guess they couldn't drive
And I screamed, "Hey, man, I had just planted that!"
Oh, there's more damage for the ozone layer, thanks to you
No, I don't care that your car has been completely wrecked
So now you're going to plant a new tree and next time I see
it, I'll plow on through
Oh, Why do you always do this?
Why do you always do this to me?
Why do you always do this?
Why do you always do this to me?
Well, the other day I noticed
that my car was running badly
So I thought I'd take it out to get it fixed
Well, I learned that guy was stupid and he messed up the allignment
When it turned around and drove right off the bridge
Oh and, wouldn't you know it? I lost my life
And now I gotta sue for all the damage done
Just look at this, I think I totaled my Camaro
And I know that after this wreck, this car is never going
to run
Never going to run
Oh, tell me
Why do you always do this?
Why do you always do this to me?
Why do you always do this?
Why do you always do this to me?
Why do you always do this to
me? (Why do you always do this to me?)
Why do you always do this to me? (Why do you always do this
to me?)
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